Going to work

How can I get You when I want You and how long will it take to achieve that state of mind sober?

I'm just gonna start writing. Try to set a pace. I notice my heart speeding up. Well, now that I said that it's slowing down. Starting to get a little wobbly. No God yet though. Wondering what to do if Aaron or Janet call me. Typing slow but making few errors. Errors becoming more prevalent. God, if you do show up I really intend to write this conversation down.

Going to smoke more. Startle response is becoming acute. Feeling a little “stoned”, staring more. A fart building up. Ha ha. Gross.

EVERYONE,

I'M NOT ADDICTED TO POT. I'M ADDICTED TO PSYCHOSIS.

Psychotic Features of Bipolar Disorder

Psychotic features are often present during the manic phase of bipolar I disorder. Aspects of psychosis may also manifest during extreme episodes of depression. They are also present in schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. These features include delusions (false ideas about what is taking place or who one is) and hallucinations (seeing or hearing things which aren't there).

http://bipolar.about.com/od/psychoticfeatures/Psychotic_Features_of_Bipolar_Disorder.htm

Delusion of Reference-Delusions of Reference refers to the strongly held belief that random events, objects, behaviors of others, etc., have a particular and unusual significance to oneself.

Delusions-Delusions are false beliefs that are firmly held. They are one aspect of the psychotic features of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder.

Are they hallucinations, though? I'm going through the list of symptoms on the website up there and then trying to pull out the relevant symptoms. Relevant to me, I mean.

And I don't know. Are they hallucinations?

The PARTS OF THE BRAIN is what I was interested in. I feel like I'm addicted to a part of my brain. I just can't find a picture anywhere. PictureS...to compare, say of the delusional brain and brain high on marijuana. I want to know if that is in fact the same place in my mind. And I want to know how to access and control it sober and on anti-psychotics. Because I am trying my hardest, but I can't live without it.

That's why I'm sad in group when I say my mental health issue is simply bipolar disorder (and not "with psychotic features"). I feel like my mood is pretty good, all the time, especially when you put it up against the grieving process. It varies predictably and still stays pretty positive with episodes of acute depression and anger. Acute meaning comes on suddenly, lasts a few hours, and moves on again. Meaning episodic. I don't know if I'm explaining any of this. I learned to talk like this from TV. Anyway, it varies along the patterns of stages of grief. I don't really know, I haven't looked that up yet, but I would predict. And since I can't find or don't have access to journal articles and there's just these google ads that come up, I'll have to consider running with the idea. But the idea is what if I could follow the movements of mind? I mean, yeah, maybe that's possible for everyone else as it is, but it's never been possible for me. My mind is this ancient removed monster.

Still, no God though.

Anyway, as I've gotten less and less psychotic, if that's what you call it, more and more sober, both, either, or...I've identified with the psychotic features, and before that I identified as having schizoaffective disorder, less and less. And I've done so in a sad and confused way, like I'm getting used to just having bipolar disorder, which really doesn't even make sense anymore. I mean, I know my mood fluctuates but I'm just not an unaffected person. Some men are. So men tend to be called schizophrenics. But what if you had a schizophrenic girl with mood that was present and relative in size to the type and amount of trauma and stress she were experiencing, good stress or bad. Affective instead of what they call negative, I think. Just two poles on a scale. I mean, calling me bipolar does also still makes sense, though. Yeah, you have to slow down while you're writing. And choose your words. I've literally wanted it to go fast. And it's not like it goes all that slow. But still. I didn't want to have to work at it at all. And now here I am.

Wondering why I'm so addicted to pot. Is it cause I'm so... I mean, where does the NEVER-ENDING SENSE OF URGENCY come from?

Alright God, I'm to where I need you on the line. Or someone.

Dear Aaron, the other God of my consciousness. No I should say the God of my Other Consciousness. Yeah, that puts it way more correctly. Anyway, I just wanted to say that no one is gonna get hurt and by that I mean lose their job or go to prison or the hospital while I smoke a little bit of pot and figure this thing out. Trust me, there's an easy way in and there's an easy way out. It just takes a little bit of work but I swear I'll write a really amazing book from AND LEARN TO DO THE WORK OF A WRITER IN THE MEANTIME. AND I'LL TALK TO NICK FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF EVERYDAY IF I HAVE TO.

No, I mean, he doesn't have that kind of time. Anyway, I mean, I just know that this book is gonna take a lot of research. Well, more the second one would... there are three books in the series again this time. I don't know what God or the universe or whatever likes so much about the number three.

I mean, maybe that's just the stage that I'm at where I can only imagine three books. Isn't it all the same difference? That the universe contains three books for me to write and God commands me to write and I can imagine three books to write. And is it impossible that I can believe all three things co-occurring at the same time? It's just three different ways of seeing the world at three different times. I'm just a shift-a shift in our consciousness. Literally, like imagine a wheel that would have to grow treads in order to start moving at a good solid pace where, like you said about riding your bike, you could just go forever. Well, we're about to grow a new tread. And I can't quite figure out which tread we are. Maybe all shifts feel this incredible. It seems like a pretty quiet one if you ask me. But I don't know where I get an idea of one to compare it to. I am human after all. I don't have two delusions about two different lives. I just have the one about this one. And I seem to be one of few, but I am not the only one. There are many others like me. Many of them are addicts in recovery. They all seem to be gardeners of their own sort. Man, how I would like to write about the addiction movement from the inside. Now it's the addiction and maladaptive behaviors movement. Already it's dividing its meaning into parts. A duality. Not yet a marriage. That's it. That's the three. First there was this one idea: US then there was this other idea: YOU AND ME. Then the third idea: YOU AND I ARE ONE.

"THAT'S A BIG SHIFT!," This surge of adrenaline screamed up my spine. "HI THIS IS GOD." A tear in the universe that sounds like a child's giddy belly laugh after he just said "BOO!!" and you dropped your coffee mug...ripped through the air in my head.

"I'm going to go smoke a cigarette first so that I don't have a heart attack," I said as I sat still and listened to the heart beat in my chest. "I'm afraid," I say to the still air of the room.

"I'LL BE BACK," God said in a poor Arnold Schwarztenager imitation.

"That's not funny, God," I laughed. "No one cool says that anymore."

See Aaron: you and I have one thing in common and you and I have another thing about that thing not in common. And it all has to do with the stories we told ourselves growing up. Our self-delusions, which we both have. Actually, we don't believe any of the stories we had to chose from. We don't just believe in society or we just believe in ourselves or both. IN. OUT. UP DOWN. It's that we don't believe in society and we don't believe in ourselves. Both. That's four total by the way. So this is like ourevolution.

"Our REVOLUTION!"

Right. God can see the word in my head and he corrects me.

"The wrong picture for the right thing. Words are pictures. Just pictures. A finger pointing to the moon" God corrects me again.

"I fucking hate that saying."

"Why?"

"Cause I don't get it."

"Except, when..." he sort of grumbles like a dad who's already coached you a million times what to say when he cues you.

"I do." I sigh resignedly.

"Right."

"Yeah, alright, God, that's very funny. You are Right." I show him in my mind. Hoorah! I get it.

Another giggle tears through my belly and in my mind. God is always very pleased with himself. "Then whose story of Me are you believing is right?" he asks affectionately. I want so desperately to find my own story of Him, It, Whatever.

"I can see it in every single one of them." I reply exhausted.

Aaron, when we met that was five, or the fifth revolution in this cycle but creation speeds up in a very predictable way. I think. If you can feel it. I'm a little confused now. Anyway, “stories we told ourselves” is significant too, because it used to just be stories we were told. Feelings were very simple cause we knew who caused our feelings. They did. With the advent of co-dependency came the realization that we are more than just two halfs. We are the conscious co-creation of

"TWO HAVES."

God definitely wants the credit of that one all to himself. I write as I listen to an echo of already a ghost of a laugh.

Yeah, when it's me writing...

"SHE'S THE CONFESSOR."

The Schwarzenegger voice again. Great. Yeah, God, you really can play on words. Ha ha ha. I'm not a writer as in I invent stuff. I'm a writer as in I type what I think. Unless I can't, then I say it. And there are a lot of weird reasons that I can't, but... they're all becoming more clear now.