Morning Ritual

Figure out what time I need to be getting up (and by default going to bed) everyday.

right now it's 6:54 in the morning.  so far i haven't been to sleep. another bout of insomnia? this time i willed myself stayed awake consciously.  am i trying to induce a manic episode? no, i'm just trying to figure out my sleep schedule.  i wonder what time sunrise and sunset are and if it's just cloudy in the mornings and really shadowy at night.  well anyway, i was obviously up before sunlight this morning.  i did stream of consciousness journaling.  then i did a tarot card reading.  then for "what i'd love to become" i got the Sun.  And I'd like to read that reading every morning for at least a week because the things i need to relinquish and the things I need to develop are good advice.  Really good advice.  I would love to become the Sun.  I would love to find a spiritual practice that suited me.  that's what i should have put down on my list of things to do.  but i did call my whole list of things to do my Soul Pact with myself.  But still the pot use has got to get under control.  mindful codependency.  we are as mindful as we are codependent.  i'm as mindful of my pot use as my desire to get stoned.  motivation to control my use, so I CAN KEEP USING. Whenever I want that is.  So I have to really want to not smoke pot.  I've gotta not really want to smoke pot is how it is.  It has to be for my own reasons.  That makes me want to smoke it right now.  How long will it take me to find my own reasons?  Why do I need respite(Explain.)?  Or do you just want to get into respite really badly but you're afraid you won't, so you're trying to stress yourself out to the point of breakdown?  well, almost breakdown.  Or can you avoid that on your own for a little while longer?  And is it always gonna be "When's the other shoe gonna drop?"

Had three cups of coffee.  It's 7:09 am.  It's still not sunny enough to say I need to...well, I don't know.  It's bright enough to get up.  It would take real effort to get up this early though.  I don't know when my writing schedule is or what it looks like.  Sleeping would be a great way to stave off the loneliness and the boredom of being home by myself at night.  Anxiety: about being lonely and bored.  Besides, I can handle the anxiety of being lonely and bored a lot better when I'm doing it by choice and not just out of self-pity and thinking i'm worthless.  That's what I was gonna say before was about this time not having a mania that convinces myself wonderful things about myself but spends a season disproving all the bad things I think about myself.  That would be more realistic.  And I would be really realistic of what I'm capable of by consequence.  It's funny that a silly little thing that simple is blowing the fuck out of my mind right now.  Where is Keith when I need him? 

Life is like a game of chess.  Aaron and I got a No-Stress Chess set and a deck of cards from Toys R Us last night.  Aaron and I need to create a spiritual practice for ourselves.  But I don't know what Aaron's side of it is.  But he's right.  Life is like a game of chess.  Well, sometimes it's like a game of rummy.  I guess.  There are so many things I would like to write about.  BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO THE WORK OF IT I'M SCARED.  And my computer broke.  How freaky is that?  Last week was all about "getting to the page"  and this week has ben all about amusing myself while I can't write.  Until I finally have to write a little.  I should read that chapter about passion and committment.  (Stages of the Creative Process, Stage 2).  That book may be able to help guide my path on that.  I might reread discovery and encounter, too.  Aaron says he doesn't doubt my ability to find happiness maybe even an income in writing.  I have a hard time believing that because I feel like I'm such a shitty writer.

7:26 Now I'm running out of things to do for my morning ritual.  I could go put in a load of laundry.  there a load of laundry is in.  I have another 28 minutes.  It's 7:36 right now.  I feel like pot allows me to access my subconscious as well as my superconscious.  I don't even know if i can access my superconscious that much.  I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette.  it's so cloudy. i ended up taking more than just a cigarette break.  and decided to add some really brief form of meditation in there. on the tarot card reading, i guess.  i need to set up a new alter not in the bedroom.  aaron needs to get to the library more though.  like we said.  exposure.  to places that remind him of unhappy things.  i don't know why i think that'll be good for him.