how to love someone

He says he only sees the good in me. He doesn't understand. You have to see the bad in me, too. You have to take people how they are. Not how you want them to be.

Who can live up to that?

Ugh. Just thinking about it exhausts me. I've let down almost everyone in my life. And why? Cause they had expectations of me. That's just the fact of it. You can't let down someone who doesn't have any expectations of you.

The only relationship I ever had like that was with God.

GOD WOULD KNEEL DOWN

a poem written by Daniel Ladinsky from the works of St. Francis of Assissi

I think God might be a little prejudiced.

For once He asked me to join Him on a walk 

through this world,

and we gazed into every heart on this earth,

and I noticed He lingered a bit longer 

before any face that was weeping,

and before any eyes that were 

laughing.

And sometimes when we passed

a soul in worship

God too would kneel

down.

I have come to learn: God

adores His

creation.

Day 77

From my window I can see the Southwest hills. God, I love Portland. It occurs to me now, at least once a day, that I have so much to be thankful for. My tiny, cozy little room that rents in this big, old house with its crazy tenants for $350 a month, the thick-ass drapes on the windows that shut out all the light at night so I can sleep like a baby, my own personal balcony where I sit with my mom's blanket over my lap, steaming hot cup of coffee in hand smoking a cigarette maybe ten times a day. Not to mention it's beautiful out.

I made an altar. I bought shelf-thingy from Fred Meyer's and put all this cool, altary stuff on it. I'm really thankful for that. It has been an inspiration.

What Nick wrote about our conversation

"I live in a world of delusion," Sarah complained.

"We all do," I agreed.

"Yeah," she said, "I know. That's my other point."

"I know you know," I giggled. "That's why I like ya. You get it."

We burst out laughing as our cognitive frameworks collapsed joyfully upon themselves, two schoolchildren giggling on the playground while the school house toppled

Nick wrote that to me before we even got off the phone. Show off. He's trying to teach me to write conversation. For now, I'd just like to include it as a piece of my own. From a different perspective, you know, to stroke my ego.

So the trick is getting back to writing After you've gotten off. Again and again. And that's all I have to do write now is keep writing. Write now. Write now. Nick already told me that one.

This is why I can't read that pronoia workbook write now. Is because I get too jealous. I type like a little kid when I get sad. I can't seem to get it out if I try to slow down. Speeding up, out of control to a point of stable, perpetual movement, constantly versus evermore urgent efforts to slow down. More concentrated, longer efforts to slow down. It's a lot of hard work. I have no idea why it's so hard, but ultimately, it's good for me. With or without the pot.

I have no idea what to say...aaron, i'm so sorry. My stuck point with this fanciful notion that I talk to God is what got us here. Where I don't know where you are and you don't know where I am. Where you're over there working on your music and I'm over here working on my book. Now, I can't wait for you to read this. Cause now it's gonna look like a litany of me stabbing myself on that excitement until I bleed. That hurt to say. Are you writing to me over there with your song? I doubt it, I don't know. You weren't talking directly about me any of those other times. I don't know, it was possible for me to infer them to be talking about me. I don't know why I can't lie now. That hurt too. I feel like that though when I write, like I get just within reach of the truth. And now i've been paying more attention to my body. All it says is that I have physical feeling pain somewhere in my body. God, why is that so hard to admit. Dear to whomever this may concern, I don't know how long it's going to take me to get better. I PLAN ON MAKING IT TAKE THE REST OF MY LIFE. If that means starting with pot I'm okay with that but soon into I'm gonna wanna give up everything else that's holding me back...

My version of nick and my's conversation

A little bit of honest, digging introspection into what false beliefs I held revealed that we are all delusional to some extent. It's what those delusions are, what stage we are in of giving up our delusions. And we're at a very early one, but it's a big, quick step. A tread on the wheel.

Anyway, Nick and I were talking about my blocks as a writer. They were all very emotional issues.

My thoughts on doubt and wonder part 2

The devil I'm running from now.

See that's the thing that God said to me, the last time that I spoke with him when I was sober.

He said:

DO NOT BE IN SOMEONE'S LIFE IF YOU CANNOT BE A GIFT.

And what I said to Charlie is:

I can see that you don't want a relationship right now.

"With you" he left unsaid.

Anyway, that was my romance while I was trying really hard to align my conversation with God to Christianity. I guess, I mentally went in and then mentally came out.

and when i get to thinking about it that way i get some where near a memory of what actually happened.

Other than that I usually just have this sense of dred.

An ever-leasening sense of dred.

Then I start wondering when the doubt started.

My thoughts on doubt and wonder

I have an incessant conversation with God. Well, I used to. Now I'm just addicted to pot. But God and pot used to be one and the same thing. Well, not always. There was a time when there was God everywhere. Well, my version of God. Not who God was, but threw what God wasn't. God wasn't evil. As in he wouldn't send us to hell. See, I saw God as Reacting to other forces that he put on earth. As if he needed us for anything. He always told me that he was merely here to serve. That much serves man. Man is needy and weak and vulnerable. All look to me now, God says with a sigh.Anyway, then I came to find out that God wasn't even bored. And I promptly began wanting to be with God every second of the day.

It's really addicting.

I can play it out in huge dramas saving souls every two or three months. Or maybe seven months. And maybe be so happy that I'm doing it the whole time that even start to enjoy myself a little. And it also totally looks like I'm praying on them. Yes, the play on words there is intentional. Preying on them that they might save me.

From the demon that I'm running from at the time.

See that was the thing about Charlie is that he knew the devil.