Describe write now.

My editor told me to describe the craziness right now. I want to write right now. My dad sent me some old journals and writings from when I was a little kid in the mail. I got them yesterday and started going through them. I found the following:

"Reasons I think I'm mental:

1. I would rather be mental.
2. I talk or argue with people who aren't there.
3. It feels like I'm being watched or my mind's being read, so I try to watch what I think all the time.
4. The visions I have.
5. My paralyzing fear of death.
6. The way I get when I freak out.
7. The way I get real distant from people when they're talking to me.
8. The way I'd rather be alone all the time."

A lot has changed, but you wouldn't believe how relieving it is to know that I'm still just the same girl that I started out as almost 16 years ago. It could be a little disturbing actually. The "healthier" I get, the more childlike I become. Jesus said something about being like a child. I'm trying to find out exactly what right now. But I can't find it. Hopefully, one of my pastors or ministers will get back to me with it later. I'm really curious. And I'm useless as far as internet research goes.

My soulmate in crazy read me her favorite Psalm from the Bible. It was the closest feeling to "being saved" that I've ever had. I think there are just some people that search for God ceaselessly. I think that's what drove me crazy. Not just that I prayed incessantly, but that God spoke back and I could hear his voice. This Psalm looks a lot like me:

The Holy Bible: King James Version. 2000.

The Psalms

77

Comfort from Recalling God's Mighty Deeds
To the chief Musician, to Jedu'thun, A Psalm of Asaph.
1	I cried unto God with my voice, even unto God with my voice; and he gave ear unto me.
2	In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted.
3	I remembered God, and was troubled: I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah.
4	Thou holdest mine eyes waking: I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
5	I have considered the days of old, the years of ancient times.
6	I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search.
7	Will the Lord cast off for ever? And will he be favorable no more?
8	Is his mercy clean gone for ever? Doth his promise fail for evermore?
9	Hath God forgotten to be gracious? Hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies? Selah.
10	And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High.
11	I will remember the works of the LORD: surely I will remember thy wonders of old.
12	I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings.
13	Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God?
14	Thou art the God that doest wonders: thou hast declared thy strength among the people.
15	Thou hast with thine arm redeemed thy people, the sons of Jacob and Joseph. Selah.
16	The waters saw thee, O God, the waters saw thee; they were afraid: the depths also were troubled.
17	The clouds poured out water: the skies sent out a sound: thine arrows also went abroad.
18	The voice of thy thunder was in the heaven: the lightnings lightened the world: the earth trembled and shook.
19	Thy way is in the sea, and thy path in the great waters, and thy footsteps are not known.
20	Thou leddest thy people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Published by The American Bible Society

CONTENTS · BIBLIOGRAPHIC RECORD

When I was joining the Marine Corps in a fit of manic psychosis, I was sitting in the waiting area of the military entrance processing station inferring everything around me. They had those little New Testament pocket Bibles lying all over the place. I picked one up, flipped it open, and the following was what I read. It's a lot for a girl who hears voices and wears St. Jude (the patron saint of lost causes) around her neck to infer.

Proverbs 1:1-9 TNIV (Today's New International Version)

Purpose and Theme

¹ The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel:

² for gaining wisdom and instruction;
for understanding words of insight;

³ for receiving instruction in prudent behavior,
doing what is right and just and fair;

⁴ for giving prudence to those who are simple, ^[a]
knowledge and discretion to the young—

⁵ let the wise listen and add to their learning,
and let the discerning get guidance—

⁶ for understanding proverbs and parables,
the sayings and riddles of the wise. ^[b]

⁷ The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,
but fools ^[c] despise wisdom and instruction.

Prologue: Exhortations to Embrace Wisdom

Warning Against the Invitation of Sinful Men

⁸ Listen, my son, to your father's instruction
and do not forsake your mother's teaching.

⁹ They are a garland to grace your head
and a chain to adorn your neck.

Footnotes:

1. Proverbs 1:4 The Hebrew word rendered simple in Proverbs denotes a person who is gullible, without moral direction and inclined to evil.
2. Proverbs 1:6 Or understanding a proverb, namely, a parable, / and the sayings of the wise, their riddles
3. Proverbs 1:7 The Hebrew words rendered fool in Proverbs, and often elsewhere in the Old Testament, denote a person who is morally deficient.

Today's New International Version
International Bible Society
© Copyright 2001, 2005
http://www.ibs.org/

Link to this Passage:

http://www.ibsstl.org/bible/verse/?q=Proverbs 1:1-9&tniv=yes

See, the first time I ever heard a voice I was young, like 11 years old. My head was bowed in church. I remember my cheeks were red I was praying so feverishly. Then I heard a response to my prayers like a force field around my head and shoulders, a voice whispered into my ear, solid and resonate and terrifying. He told me I was one of his prophets. So, now, I'm like, yeah, a crazy writer, I get it.