Gentle paranoia: A schizophrenic girl’s conversation with God recorded at the speed of sound

An embarrassing story

I can't just sit here and write what the 11 talk about. Why would they admit that they were real. And I'm not quite getting my point across?

The marines are here.

This is the fucking joke.

That they were watching.

I'm a racist and an asshole. I judge people based on who they are. And what?

It sounds like English all the time.

I'm crazy.

I am crazy.

not medical...
well neurology...
being a patient. you study them?

diet?

i know.

so you guys are the 11.

i made it up.

when i was perfectly sane.

but that's not kat and hans.

how the fuck do you guys know kat and hans?

you're like that too.

immersion?

what the fuck are you talking
patients
parents
i'm listening.
why did i have to do this
cause that's the only waythat you're gonnaa
slow down
talking to me
older people think that there's a miracle drug
because in our culture
what fucking culture?
i sit there for the dialysis
assignments
which
in the hospital
they're all like my aunts and uncles
invite me over for dinner
enraoches upon the whole client medical interpreter thing
different people that we know
i don't know if it's the same person
name's based on when you were born
shut the fuck up
yeah cultures fucking weird
so i am a messenger or i'm not
siblings
right
gives me a chance to actually speak
me
self-centric
parents
am i paying attention to you?

I'm a writer?

This is some sort of letter to Aaron
even though I'm publishing it on the internet.
It's hard to be out in the open.
It's hard to be yourself.
When you don't know who that is.
I talk to God all the time.
Whether I like it or not.
It's my heaven and it's my hell.
Right here right now.
Where I'm trapped.
When to listen to God could mean believing in him.
And believing in God means doing what he says.
That means being with someone else?
Work is the places that you go to when you want to punish yourself for not following your dream.

Life is work.

That's assignment.

I haven't been coming to work on time

because Charlie can see this blog.

I didn't know if he was looking at it or not.

Now that I know that he has seen it...

I can at least decide...

you know what's the most exciting revelation!

accepting this would be enormously difficult.
i hear the 11
when i get embarrassed for talking to god.
when i get to the
"you know what would be the most exciting revelation?!?" part
i already here it in this sick mocking tone.
and i feel like a fucking psychotic narcissist.
just like my mother said
but it's like they say about god.
you can chose option a now
or option a later
and the meantime is just gonna be hell
the women next to me are splitting their check
and for all i know they've been making fun of me the whole time they've been here.

I have got to pay to work

That's the revelation.

This is hell.

Being myself would be hell?

So I judge.

which drugs to take

I took a 200 mg carbamazepine this morning, but I forgot to take it last night.

I've actually only taken half my prescription this month.

So any mood stability that I have had has all been me.

Line cook. Keep pushing. Going back to the beginning over and over again. I got a better job offer.
Than citizen schools.
And it's been impossible to get to work ever since.